COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️