When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
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My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
This sounds bad:
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!