@ericsshadow

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

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@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

@skedaddle74

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

@slimthicccins

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

@DevilryFun

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

@WilliamAder

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.