All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.