When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My kitchen overserved me.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”