When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

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All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?


This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!


If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?


Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No


Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…


There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.



Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”


Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard


[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train


Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.