When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
bears
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print