@CheryeDavis

When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.

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@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@ClichedOut

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

@AmishPornStar1

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

@YesNoSuper

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????