me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
The Friday File.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I did not eat the cake…
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict