I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.