@jakefromstfarm3

When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.

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@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

@DadandBuried

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@hansabumsadaisy

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

@LosLos__

HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.

@UncleDuke1969

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

@ddsmidt

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.