@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

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@FattMernandez

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

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@Kristen_Arnett

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

@KeetPotato

[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]

@Shingaboop

Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@Notoliviasteel

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol