Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
So glad we cleared that up
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.