When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My life coach traded me.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul