When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs