When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.