I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot