Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me checking my bank balance online.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?