Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”
Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
Best advice ever.
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me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?
Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.