@jergarl

When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”

Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”

Best advice ever.

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@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@ceejoyner

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

@missmayn

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.