@PabloGSerski

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

@TheBoydP

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!