Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
just having fun
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip