WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Shortest Horror Story:
Tomorrow is MONDAY again!