When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit


I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.


[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t


I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.


[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda


Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question


*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!