When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You Might Also Like
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.