When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Unimpressed
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭