When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.
So yeah….kids are stupid.
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When my family says things like…why don’t you have kids yet? I say “Because I didn’t get drunk & do the football team, Sasha.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It’s called children
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.