When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.

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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them


When my family says things like…why don’t you have kids yet? I say “Because I didn’t get drunk & do the football team, Sasha.”


Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?


[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.


My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children


GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is


Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.