@CaniacMONK

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.

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@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@Adar79Angie

When my family says things like…why don’t you have kids yet? I say “Because I didn’t get drunk & do the football team, Sasha.”

@ForEllieSylvia

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@generaldietz

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is

@Gupton68

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.