When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

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[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out


“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”


“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.


ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman


My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.


A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.


People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse


Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.


My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.