When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

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Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.


Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.


When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.


Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!


Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition


A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”