Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”