When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪