@JennyJohnsonHi5

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

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@Jen_says_nah

Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.

@moooooog35

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@JediGigi

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@DanaSchwartzzz

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

@smhbrb

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”