when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5