When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music