I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
You Might Also Like
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
that de-escalated quickly
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.