When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
everyone’s a critic
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.