@Cheeseboy22

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

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@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

@jon_albo

Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@jonnysun

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@TheHyyyype

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

@P_o_n_k

[Shower]

ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground