When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You Might Also Like
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.