When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic


I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*


I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.


[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this


I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops


cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it


I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.


I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.


Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.