Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state
SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground