When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.