When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
That’s not how days work.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on