When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.


Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?


I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.


Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.


I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.


Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”


Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”


Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.