When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College