what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.