When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[Dumbo meeting, 1941]
WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?