When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I am HOWLING at this