What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.