I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
what does he know…
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.