@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

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@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.