Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“How could you?”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.