When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Zack Greinke stories are the best
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark