When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.