When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.