When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

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*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”


“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.


Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *


After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.


i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?


“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
– We’re not having sex.
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large