@OctopusCavemann

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

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@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@GrowlyGrego

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

@GoldenSpirals

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@ryanyeetz

i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large