Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.
What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.