I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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mom gave me mine for free
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.