Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.