@rad_milk

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

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@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@BDGarp

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@Staggfilms

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@kevinseccia

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink