when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink