when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion