@rad_milk

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@Shen_the_Bird

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@sarcasticmommy4

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@AndreyasAsylum

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

@six_2_and_even

Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.

@sarapascoe

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.