when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*



me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long


A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.


There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.


customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer


I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.


Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.


When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.