movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I feel seen.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.