@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

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@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@Cheeseboy22

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

@DrakeGatsby

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

@TheToddWilliams

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

@CanadianCyn

If I went back in time I’d tell myself…

“Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”

@TheRealPalMal

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

@SamGrittner

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.