@slimmy_shady: When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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@DadZZZasleep: [on phone] me: honey I won some free tickets wife: cool, for what? me: speeding and resisting arrest wife: never heard of them
@lilgapeach32: Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda's back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly...
@RadWizzy: (at the doctor) Can u cough for me? *coughs* Can u exhale for me? *exhales* Can u make kissy noises? *kissy noises* Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.