When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.