When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.


Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant


“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.


The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential


[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.


If I went back in time I’d tell myself…

“Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”


[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.


“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief


11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.