When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Cause of death: Zumba
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like