When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Become ungovernable.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
haha same
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*