Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
you will never know the true number of layers
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
True
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
One of the best
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?