“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.