@fluffysuse

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

@MrEmilyHeller

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

@JohnLyonTweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@amelialikesyou

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint