When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Natty or not?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.