@squirrel74wkgn Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
@fluffysuse When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@MrEmilyHeller Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
@better_off_dad2 *licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
@JohnLyonTweets *Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
@AbbieEvansXO Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
@aveuaskew In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
@doktorj Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
@amelialikesyou In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
@IamEnidColeslaw my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
@Rollinintheseat Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”