Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”