When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.