@vornietom

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

No

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@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@JPLFR80

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

@donni

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@rxysurfchic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch