When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
respect
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: