When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

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Her: What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order.
Her: …
Me: It’s really pretty easy.
Her: *leaves*


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]


Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good


Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*


Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake


Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs


Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…


So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?


I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.