Her: What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order.
Me: It’s really pretty easy.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“David you’re late again!”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?
*puts cherry stem in mouth*
*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.