When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development