Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
[First Day As a Babysitter]
“Alexa, change the kid’s diaper”
paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”