when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
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She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
when someone rings the doorbell
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming