When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Chicago sounds lovely.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.