Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The future is now.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.